Up Up and Away!
by xMazy
Summary: Assasination brews in the air when Akatsuki is around. Dominance over Konoha could only be acheived by the death of Santa Claus. Sasuke and Naruto, instructed to take a vacation runs into Kisame and Itachi. [Crack Christmas Oneshot]


**A/N**: Merry Christmas to all of you! Holiday cheers from xMazy! Maxie might or might not write her holiday one shot, but it's totally up to her so don't sulk 'cause it's Christmas time! Oh for the future note, I do know that funner is not a word, so ignore that. Oh yeah this is where you get to see my more immature side.

**Disclaimed**: We do not own the greedy, economical induced holiday of Christmas, although it used to be the season of giving, now it is the season of exchanging nor do we own Naruto and company but you are offered to pay us if you wish. I don't mind the extra holiday cash.

* * *

**Up, up and Away!**

* * *

Uchiha Itachi flicked a piece of stray lint off his Akatsuki cloak. 

Hoshigaki Kisame fiddled around, restlessly in the dark. "What exactly do we have to do in this mission anyway?"

"Assassination," Itachi spoke in a cautious low voice.

"Of whom?" Kisame's senses tingled at the mental excitement of fresh, picturesque blood.

Ominous dark storm clouds appeared, as his glowing red sharigan eyes flickered on a future of a dark demise and smiled, a bitter smile, "Santa Claus."

* * *

"I was stuck in a rock concert, where a fragile old lady was kidnapped and it was my duty, as a man to rescue her in distress," Kakashi lied chirpily. 

"They don't hold rock concerts in the middle of the morning, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura added with a tone of a smart aleck and desperation.

"Hai, hai. Anyway, no missions today so far. Take a day off to train or relax, I'd say train but you could be a lazy, and relax and possibly have a good time if you're lucky. Hell, it's the day before Christmas."

"Neh, Sakura-chan, want to go ice skating?" Naruto implored piteously to the bubblegum colored hair female.

"In your dreams!" she snorted and proceeded to run over to Sasuke. "How about _you_ and I go ice skating, Sasuke-_kun_," she added slyly.

"I'm going to train now..." Sasuke said as she got out of her siren grip.

"Hey Sasuke! Wait up!" Naruto yelled across the snow littered path as he slid on the icy path, ramming straight into Sasuke's leg.

"Ow," he mumbled to himself as Sasuke helped him up.

"Did you know?"

"Know what?"

"It's the most wonderful time of the year, with all the kids jingle-belling and everyone be of good cheer! It's the happiest season of the year," Naruto sung into Sasuke's ears, which in turn, slapped Naruto away. Naruto grabbed Sasuke's left hand and began running down the icy path, with Sasuke closely dragged behind.

"Where the hell are we going?" Sasuke grouched.

"To get a sled of course! How come you're never fun?"

"Fun is so much funner when you laugh over your big brother's dead body as you just killed him for revenge of killing okaa-san."

The wide eyed Naruto grimaced in such morbid thoughts, "you're so pessimistic and slightly… what do those high school kids call it? _Emo_?"

"No, those high school kids _claim_ that they're emo just so they could get girls. I don't want any. In fact, I want them all dead!"

"Not Sakura-chan too!" Naruto cried out.

"There's the sled, now grab it and leave me alone."

"Who says I'm leaving you all alone, with your morbid thoughts, you might kill Santa Claus when he comes to give me my box of ramen!" Naruto gasped, "Oh my god, I never thought of it that way, in fact, you're staying with me until Christmas is over. I don't trust you one bit, you almost killed Santa Claus! He isn't even here yet!"

"Right, grab the damn sled and go."

"No can do buddy," Naruto reached into his left pocket and snapped the metal handcuffs onto their hands, feeling accomplished, "_now_, Santa is safe!"

"Get this shit off or I'll chidori this thing off us, and I **promise** you that it's going to hurt you more than it'll hurt me."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I would and I will."

"Well, I'll kill your brother before you can if you do kill Santa!"

"What?!"

"My point exactly, you kill Santa, I'll kill Itachi, if you don't stop."

"…And that's why the handcuffs are on us… Protection for two _other_ people?"

"Yup," he exclaimed in agreement as he shoved Sasuke into the back seat of the wooden sleigh and sat in the front to steer and propelled himself down the steep hill.

_Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh!_

"Faster Dobe!" Sasuke cheered on and swung his arm forward, pointing towards the endless snow.

"This is as fast as it can go!" Naruto managed to yell out as the wind rushed and slammed into his face, propelling him backwards when Sasuke caught him from behind.

"I call shotgun next!"

"Darn," Naruto mentally yelled as he leaned right to avoid a tree.

* * *

"What's that sound?" Kisame asked Itachi, "Is it Santa?" 

"Santa was described as silent, jolly, plump, old, folly, and likes milk and cookies… Do you smell milk and cookies by the way?"

"No, but it's so damn loud, can I kill them?"

"No, we can't do anything that would raise suspicion. Besides, the hearts of Konoha are more pure than any other country, as all these saps want is peace and prosperity. With their idol gone, we can finally capture this village."

"Look what I can do," Kisame roared childishly and perform quick hand signs to shoot out water. It froze as quickly as it appeared. He then smashed the ice to shards and watched as it flew down from the air, "Isn't it pretty?"

"You idiot, that was a waste of time!" Itachi sneered as he took a quick glimpse at the raining miniature ice shards. A single shard jabbed into his left eye, in his blind spot to his quickly disintegrating vision.

"Oh, fuck! Pull it out you damn shark!" Itachi roared as well as he deactivated his sharigan to his now coal colored eyes, wet with tears of pain and annoyance.

Kisame did as he was told and managed to elude a punishment from Itachi.

* * *

"Since when did they have blue trees with silver branches?" Naruto inquired as Sasuke and he were sledding down yet another hill. 

"It's probably decorated, who cares, steer faster dobe!" Sasuke barked as his adrenaline had long gone stopped catching up to his unusual enthusiasm and leaned forward, pressing his chest against Naruto's back.

"Ah! Don't touch me like that!" Naruto yelled vigorously as the sled slid down the hill in uncontrolled speeds and direction.

* * *

"I'm sorry for the last time, geez, you stab a sharigan and all of a sudden you're a criminal!" Kisame screamed to no one in particular as he bandaged Itachi's left eye. 

"You're already a _wanted_ criminal in multiple villages, what the hell are you talking about?" Itachi rebuked at his nonsense as Kisame leaned on a tree.

"Hey, what's that rapid cloud coming towards us?"

"Well, if my _sharigan_ was on, I would know now would I?" Itachi said spitefully as he set up camp as Kisame was also helping. They were now sitting by a comfy, toasty, warm fire.

* * *

"Avoid that light, dobe. There might be someone living there!" 

"Since when did you care? And for the last time stop calling me dobe! Call me Naruto the Magnificent!"

"The Magnificent? I'm better than you are and you know it."

"Well my rasengan kicks your chidori's ass!"

Without prior warning to their argument, they rammed into Kisame, who in turn rammed onto the smothering, hot fire, knocked out by the sheer force of the impact. He probably broke a few bones, but as of right now he's being cooked.

Itachi bolted up from his seat and took a fighting stance.

"Foolish little brother, with your cheers, you killed my idiotic partner," Itachi growled.

"Why's your left eye bandaged?" Naruto asked cautiously as he dusted the snow off his damp orange jumpsuit.

Losing his cool, Itachi responded with a hint of sarcasm, "Oh I don't know, maybe I just felt like being Johnny Dept for a day, swinging a bloody sword and blabbering like an idiot when my left eye is blind!" He emphasized "blind" by shouting it and flung a kunai at the dead Kisame for angry revenge.

"Geez sorry I asked."

"Cut the crap, you and I both know that I'm going to kill you," Sasuke interrupted in this chaotic scene as he charged forward with Naruto dragged close behind. On a moment's notice Naruto got back onto his feet and tackled Sasuke from behind to knock him down and screamed urgently, "Duck!" before he slammed Sasuke's head onto the frosty powdered snow.

Sleigh bells rung in unison as the thundering sound of reindeer stampeded over the spot where Itachi stood.

The ominous dark clouds came erupting out of the sky once again as the laughter of one particular old man slid across the packed powdery snow, and was jerked out of his crimson sleigh as it hit the body of the now deceased Uchiha Itachi.

"Oh my lord, Santa killed your brother!" Naruto exclaimed in mock surprise as jolly old Saint Nick panicked and blamed it all on Rudolf who confessed that he smelled fried fish and was hungry for a snack during the trip around the world.

Instead of remaining calm, Sasuke started mumbling a thing or two about his vengeance was almost achieved but the naïve old man interfered.

"Perhaps you would want a gift that would help you," Santa asked earnestly.

"Yes, I _would_ like a gift…" Sasuke mused with venom as Naruto quickly slashed the chain of the handcuffs in half before Sasuke snapped and channeled all his chakra towards his hand and thrust his hand into Santa's heart.

Oh boy did Santa Claus die fast as hell.

Ignoring the fact that Santa Claus was dead, Naruto climbed onto the giant red sleigh and thought _this is much better than the other one I kept crashing in when I was with Sasuke!_

Naruto reached into the big red sack and grabbed a furry red hat. He urged Sasuke to come along with his journey around the world with a stolen sled now that his brother was deceased.

"Up, up, and away we go!" Naruto cheered on the dozen reindeer and flew off to Neverland.

* * *

Ladies and Gentlemen this is why to this day; your parents play Santa Claus every year. 

It's all just a conspiracy to fool small children into believing that old Saint Nick is still alive and to behave well.

This Christmas, I implore you, act as horrible and morbid as you want, the old man is dead.

* * *

(Alison here:) Honestly don't ask about my sanity, I'm quite retarded in school, ask Maxie, the calmer one as the witness. o.o The tenses in the story may not be completely correct but since I put up my tree today and Maxie editted it too, I'm tired as hell. Whee Death Note rocks! 


End file.
